Parents and Children

When talking to children about scary subjects, it is important to help them understand what they see and what they hear.
You should allow the children to be in control over the course of the conversation, by asking them such questions as "have you seen or heard anything that you would like to talk about?" All too often, we grown-ups share too much information or too little information, instead of giving them the information that they need to understand what they have seen or heard.

The world can be a scary place for adults, let alone for children who have yet to develop the emotional and cognitive abilities to understand scary events when they happen. It is likely that they pick up that something significant has happened, from what they can see or grasp around them. Under such difficult circumstances, parents and caregivers may feel unsure on how to help children understand what is going on.

Here are a few tips that could help you in case that you need to explain some difficult subjects to your children:

• Restrict their exposure to harsh and unnecessary information. For example, pay attention and restrict your children's exposure to media coverage, that often reports harsh and scary information, with images that children may not understand or that may be scary for them.
• Do not try to calm them down with false promises or by pretending that the scary event did not happen. When children discover something upsetting or scary, you need to acknowledge that it happened in order to nurture mutual understanding. Adults should not lie to their children about what happened, not even with the intent to "protect" them. Even in very difficult circumstances, it is important to tell the children the essential facts about what has happened. When you hide important information from children or when you provide them with misleading information, they may feel less safe and fear that the situation is worse than it really is. You need to explain to your children if this event will affect their daily life, and if so, what changes it will bring.
• Choose carefully what you share with them, based on what they have seen or heard, and provide them with information that will answer their specific questions. Do not assume anything about whatever the children know or not. As adults, we can start a conversation with a sentence like "I saw that you have been listening to the news about Ukraine. They showed pictures of tanks moving through the streets. I wanted to ask you how you are feeling about this or if you have any other questions". Then the children can choose whether they want to ask for more information or not. Even if the children choose to not ask any further questions, parents and caregivers can tell them "Even if you do not have any questions now, I want you to know that that you can always ask me anything, if you have any questions. News like these can be scary and confusing even for adults".
• Use clear and age-appropriate language. Take into account your child's age and developmental level when you decide how much information to share, of what type and of what complexity. For example, if you tell a preschool-aged child that his grandfather is "gone" or has "gone away", he may become confused. It is preferable that you say: "Grandpa has passed away. Do you know what it means when someone has passed away?"
• It is important to remember that you may need to talk about this subject several times. You should not share all of the information in the same talk, especially when talking to relatively young children. Repetition of facts would help them contain the information that you are sharing with them and understand it.
• Give your children a personal example of how to cope with powerful emotions (such as fear, sadness, anger and grief). Help them understand that we adults also feel these emotions, but that we are coping with our fear by talking and sharing our feelings with others, in an appropriate manner. We can also share powerful emotions through a game of motion, storytelling, music and arts and crafts activities.
• You should calm your children down through physical comfort. Under stressful situations, children (especially younger children) may experience greater relief from a reassuring hug and touch than from reassuring words.
• In case of relatively older children, you should refer them to reliable media and news outlets that will provide them with exact information, and then return to them afterward and ask them if they would like to discuss what they have seen or read or answer the questions that they may have.
• Children of different ages may turn to different sources of information, such as social media, where the information that they receive may be intentionally exaggerated or misleading. In particular, teens (12-18) and preteens (9-12) are prone to exposure to information from unreliable sources that may make them even more confused.
• You may want to consider the option to seek help from professionals in your community, such as religious figure, healthcare provider and child behavior specialists if you need further guidance on how to break difficult information to the children in your life.